So last night was a night like most others save for the fact that a new song started to take shape. I posted the rough first take to Soundcloud and asked the missus to take a listen.
She reacted the same way she always does. “It’s sad.”
We have this discussion every time I write something new and I go back through my demos and point to this song or that song and say “look it’s happy, it’s even in a major key!” and she says “NO…it’s SAD!”
She’s hears my music differently than I do but last night as we were going back and forth on the nuances of sadness verses melancholy I finally had to admit that yes, the new song, and even the song I used as an example of a happy one, are both kinda sad.
That got me thinking.
This morning I played through my entire track list on Soundcloud.
She’s right…there is an undercurrent of sadness, of reflection, self-doubt, and melancholy that runs through everything I write.
Last night, and often when this discussion comes up, she asks me if I am a sad person and takes it personally when I confess that, well, yeah…I have always kinda been more of an Eeyore than a Tigger…but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m “sad.”
I’m content with my life. I think I have a great life. My wife and I have built something pretty awesome. We have a beautiful home full all the luxuries middle class America (and credit cards haha) can afford us.
Most importantly we have the most gorgeous, perfect, incredible child anyone in the world could ever wish to have.
My parents are a blessing and, while I have but a few friends, they are true friends.
But that doesn’t change the fact, I am very melancholy. When I think about myself it’s usually in terms of what I can’t do, what I didn’t do, what I should have done. I worry. A lot.
I always have. There’s just no getting around it.
Two years ago, on my 38th birthday I wrote a song and the line says “Funny you should ask, yeah it’s birthday. 38 and still full of my teenage angst.”
That’s as true now at 40, as it was then at 38, at 28, and at 18. I’m sure it will be true at 48, 58, and 68.
The song also says,
“But through it all I’ve found myself in a good place
I’ve got a good wife and a kid on the way.
Though I’m always down, and I like to complain
That’s just how I’ve always been and always will be.
But oh my love, I love today.”
I think, as much as anything I’ve written, that last bit captures where I’m at in life, certainly since getting married and even more so since the birth of my son.
As much as there are parts of my day-to-day, parts of my overall life that infuriate me, depress me, or act as a hot wet blanket, I am very grateful, very humbled, and yes “happy.”
That doesn’t mean I’m not still addicted to my sad. I still bathe in self-loathing, doubt, and the frustrations that come with carrying a lifetime of baggage around with me…but that’s just how I am.
It doesn’t mean I’m not “happy” with my wife, son, and life in general. It just means…well, I guess it just means I’m “THAT” guy…I’m that guy that writes sad songs because, well, it’s how I get it out.
I don’t write songs with anything in mind. I never have. I began writing songs out desperation. I needed the combination of words AND music to get certain feelings out of myself. Most of those feelings, I guess have been sad in one way or another.
She challenges me to write a “happy” song. She’s not the only one to have done so over the years.
From the perspective of a songwriter, someone who approaches it as a craft, it makes sense to stretch myself but when I’ve tried to do that, it feels disingenuous. I’ve never sat down to write a song as an artistic exercise…at least I’ve never succeeded in completing a song like that. I always toss it away because it just doesn’t feel right.
When I sit down to write, I’m not thinking about quality or structure or style, I’m just trying to get something off my mind, or out of my guts.
Sometimes I sit back and listen to what I’ve created and I think “hey, that’s not a bad song.” It seems almost coincidental though…like I managed to get my feelings out AND it might be enjoyable for someone to listen to.
I don’t know. That’s not really for me to judge though. I just sort of judge my songs on whether they sound good to me and whether they expressed what I needed to get out.
Bottom line, my songs are a reflection of who I am…obviously. And while it’s true that there has always been a thread of melancholy in both my life and my songs, it doesn’t mean my wife has failed me or that my son does not inspire anything short of jubilation.
Besides, “sad” songs are almost always “better” anyway haha…when I think of all the songs that cut to my core, that inspire me, that embrace me soul, they’re all sad songs. I don’t think I’m alone in feeling that way.
Like I said, I guess I’m just “that” guy…38 (well 40) and still so full of my teenage angst. 😉
You can visit my “sadcloud” here. 😉
Be Well and Kind,
-Jason
My darling bride made the same comment about all my musician friends, e.g. “Why are they all depressed?” I said musicians are more aware of and more sensitive to the imperfect world around them. Their music comes from their soul, and the music is a genuine piece of themselves. Sharing freely of their art, their music, is a coping mechanism and a cathartic.
Neitzsche said: “…One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.”
Latchaw’s Corollary: “Happy, Normal, Well-adjusted People Can’t Write Really Good Music”
No offense intended to the happy, normal, well-adjusted people who may read this, of course.
dhl
Thanks David. I think there’s a lot to what you’re saying. I’m currently reading I Am Brian Wilson, the new autobiography he released. He talks about music being his way of crowding out all the negative voices in his head…how all the negativity and depression, anxiety and fear…he would use them to create the vocal harmonies he arranged. Through chaos comes harmony. Through conflict comes art.
I can’t think of any great, truly soul-touching song that has grabbed me and not been from an artist who struggled with some form of depression, abuse, or other conflict. Even happy songs by the likes of Jon Bon Jovi are built on a base of pain and struggle. Take something like “Living on a Prayer.” Everyone pretty much agrees that it’s an anthem for a generation, a rousing call to arms for lovers everywhere…but listen to the words. Tommy and Gina are in trouble…
It took Jon Bon a long while to write “good” happy songs…most of his attempts are terrible. For every “One Wild Night” from Bounce there are seemingly dozens of trite, paint by numbers, crappy songs, that he himself doesn’t even like.
Thankfully, I don’t have an audience to which I have to cater. I write for myself, out of need.
It is a coping mechanism. Sharing it, putting my music out there, particularly in the naked, rough, in-the-moment context that I do, really is a coping mechanism. It is cathartic. It helps me to let go of the grimy, filthy feelings that are wrapped in the songs. I always feel a sense of relief when I step away from the computer after hitting save or upload.
Keeping it inside is not an option. I’m incapable of discussing my feelings conventionally. So I write it in a song.
I’m still that little kid afraid to say anything to anyone in person, face to face. What if they reject me? what if they don’t understand?
In a way, I can hide behind the honesty of my music, haha. That sentence doesn’t make a lot of sense but in a way it makes perfect sense. I hide behind the honesty of my music. I kinda dig that.
I’m going to sit with that idea for a bit…maybe it turns into a song. 😉
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Be Well and Kind David,
-Jason